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College Life/Transcript
The complete transcript for College Life Opening Scene {Red is sitting in a car in front of a shed.} RED GREEN: You know, one of the big disadvantages of having a car with all the fancy extra features is you gotta pay for 'em. But most of them can be faked. For example, {points to a vertical door lock post in the door} the keyless remote door entry system? {holds up a pair of garden shears} Just get yourself a pair of pruning shears and just snip that thing off! {cuts off the post} It looks like it's down all the time. {gets out of the car} Then get yourself a child's squeaky toy. Now you can fake being rich. Well, most people got rich faking something. {holds up a squeak toy at the car and squeezes it, squeaking it twice. He then walks away.} Intro HAROLD GREEN: It's the Red Green Show! And now here's the man who could appreciate dads and is just a little more repetitive, your host and hero, my uncle, Red Green! {Red walks into the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers.} RED GREEN: All right. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. It's a very very special day for a certain somebody up at the Lodge this week. {holds up one hand and points toward Harold with the other} HAROLD GREEN: What? What? Who, me? What? What, I didn't touch anything! I didn't, and if I did, I put it back. What? RED GREEN: No no no no, Harold. I'm talking about the big move. Don't you have a big move coming today, huh? HAROLD GREEN: Oh yeah. RED GREEN: {chuckles} This guy right here, hah? {walks over to Harold} Blood relative of mine, full-fledged member of the Green family. I'd show you the crest, but some of the images are not suitable for family viewing. {pats Harold on the shoulder} This guy, Harold Green, has been accepted into college. Congratulations, Harold. {shakes Harold's hand} HAROLD GREEN: Wow, he shook my hand, he shook my hand! I don't think you've ever shook my hand before. RED GREEN: {examining his hand as though he has something on it} No, that's a handshake I would remember, Harold. So I guess you're worried about moving into your dorm, or whatever, huh? HAROLD GREEN: It's a house, actually. I'm moving into a house with three other students. RED GREEN: Yeah, okay. Well, I guess you're gonna need some way of getting your stuff down there, yeah? HAROLD GREEN: {stares at Red} Yeah? RED GREEN: Well, don't worry about it, Harold. I will be glad to take you and all your stuff in the Possum Van. Huh? What the heck, I'm your uncle for gosh sakes, huh? {chuckles} HAROLD GREEN: {laughs nervously} Ah, you're gonna move all of me and all my stuff to the city in the Possum Van! RED GREEN: Yep! HAROLD GREEN: Hohohaw... In broad daylight? RED GREEN: Yeah, sure! C'mon! The Possum Lodge Word Game {The camera zooms out from Harold to show Red and Ranger Gord sitting on either side of him.} HAROLD GREEN: It's time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game, and this week, our friend Ranger Gord is playing for a brand new set of dumbbells! {reaches down to pick up the dumbbells, but can't lift them} Set of dumbbells, we got 'em. {tries to pick them up again} Here, they're– There's two dumbbells under the ta– {picks up the dummbells, then drops them again} Here they– whoop! They're there, you can see 'em, right? RANGER GORD: Yeah. HAROLD GREEN: Okay, they could be yours. All right. Uncle Red, {picks up the word sign, Gord plugs his ears} you have thirty seconds to get Ranger Gord to say this word: {turns the sign around to the audience} Nostril. Nostril. RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Harold. HAROLD GREEN: {sets the sign down} Okay, go! RANGER GORD: Cabbage. RED GREEN: What? RANGER GORD: Uhhh, lettuce– I mean groceries. RED GREEN: No, I haven't given any clues yet, Gord. RANGER GORD: Oh, you mean it's not lettuce or groceries? RED GREEN: No, it's not lettuce or groceries. RANGER GORD: Oh, darn, I thought I had it. Okay, uh... Android. RED GREEN: {shakes his head and exchanges glances with Harold} HAROLD GREEN: Better give him a clue, Uncle Red! RED GREEN: Somebody better give him a clue, I'll tell you that! RANGER GORD: A quick break. RED GREEN: What? RANGER GORD: I could use a quick break. I need to think. RED GREEN: No, it's only a short game, it's thirty seconds. HAROLD GREEN: It's only fifteen left now. RED GREEN: All right, okay, Gord, c'mon, this word's really easy. RANGER GORD: Uh, couch. I mean, that's a really easy word. Y'know, there's no weird pronunciation rules or spelling things. Easy to say! Oh yeah. Couch. {chuckles} RED GREEN: Gord, you can't just say words at random. RANGER GORD: Spaghetti. Florida? RED GREEN: {frustrated} Wait 'til I give you a clue, and then you say it! RANGER GORD: Ohhh, uh, android! Uhh, cookie! RED GREEN: Gord, you know how many words there are in the English language? RANGER GORD: {snapping his fingers} Oh, I know, uh, nostril! {Red looks shocked for a moment, then starts ringing the bell.} RANGER GORD: {standing up, alarmed} Fire! Fire! HAROLD GREEN: No no, no fire! No fire! RANGER GORD: Oh. Plot Segment 2 {Red and Harold walk into the Lodge.} RED GREEN: I'm sorry it turned out that way, Harold. Those college boys pointing and laughing at you like that. HAROLD GREEN: Me? They were laughing at the Possum Van. RED GREEN: {laughs} Oh, now why would they do that? HAROLD GREEN: It's a Possum Van. RED GREEN: I gotta tell you something, folks, the whole time that we were moving his junk in there, there's these three girls there, eh? So, I guess your roommates have got girlfriends, huh? HAROLD GREEN: Oh no, oh no, those three girls are my roommates. RED GREEN: {surprised} Pardon me, Harold? You got three girls as roommates? How does that work? HAROLD GREEN: Pretty well. RED GREEN: No no no. No, Harold, I don't want you living in sin in there. HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no no, there's no sin. Except maybe the cable hookup. But y'know, y'know, I should get back, because– RED GREEN: No, Harold, Harold, living with three girls? You're gonna go crazy there. HAROLD GREEN: Ha, no, Unc– nooo! There's no sweat, no problem. Nonononono, it's modern times, Uncle Red. C'mon! Students are doing this sort of thing all the time nowadays. There's no problem, I'm very casual with it. RED GREEN: Wow. HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. {starts walking toward the door} RED GREEN: Well, you know, I'll tell you something. He's a lot cooler than I thought he was. {Harold starts dancing wildly behind Red. Red remains facing forward, unaware of Harold's dancing.} Red's Campfire Song RED GREEN: :If you tie a string to your finger :To remember what might be forgot :It's a little trick that I like to call :A handyman's Forget-Me-Not Knot. :Just make sure it's a bit of a slip-knot :That'll fall off as the week goes by :Otherwise you'll sit there with a string on your finger :And never remember why. Handyman Corner {Red drives into a driveway in the Possum Van. The Handyman Corner sign is duct-taped to the side of the van. There is a large dog in the passenger seat. Red parks the van and gets out.} RED GREEN: Saw a show on the space program last night. Apparently, dogs were into space before humans. Oh yeah, way back when, the Russians fired a dog into a little capsule and launched him off into orbit. I bet everything went fine until he stuck his head out the hatch to feel the breeze in his face. {chuckles} Dogs love hanging out of moving vehicles, don't they? {pets the dog} So this week on Handyman Corner, we're gonna make a bit of a babysitter for your dog. A mechanical thing, kinda a puppy-go-round, eh? So first thing we need is a car window, and of course to do that, we're gonna have to find a car window. {walks over to a nearby car} Well, now, there's one here. {looks around} Car just seems to be sitting here, nobody around. Wonder if it's open. {reaches behind him and opens the passenger door} Yeah. All right, we're gonna need a hammer and a chisel on that. {runs offscreen} {Red returns and starts chiseling at the door hinges. He hits his thumb and walks around in pain.} RED GREEN: All right, we'll need a sledgehammer on that, I guess. {Red comes back with a sledgehammer and lines up a swing at the door, then swings and knocks out the window. The door swings closed.} RED GREEN: Well, that loosened her. A prybar, a prybar. {walks away} {Red sticks a prybar in between the car door and the frame and starts prying outward. He pulls hard, then hears a cracking or snapping noise and checks his back, then continues prying. He starts beating on the door with the prybar.} RED GREEN: No, no, no. {drops the prybar} Need one of those big orange-colored things. {walks away} {Red returns with a backhoe. He drives up to the car and starts smashing the car with it, pulling out both windshields and beating on the top of the car. He then gets out and walks up to the car.} RED GREEN: Oh, man! {Red kicks the passenger door. The rear door falls off.} RED GREEN: All right, like I said, get yourself a car door. {picks up the door and drags it over to the van} All right, now we need something to use as a merry-go-round. And I'm thinking we're not gonna be doing any ice fishing here for a while, so hey, why don't we use our power auger, eh? {takes a power auger out of the back of the van} We're gonna need something for the dog to ride around in {drops the top of the auger on the car door, breaking the glass} ...too. How about a gym bag? Here we go. {pulls a gym bag out of the van} Gym bag! Y'know, like a doggy bag! Oh. {Red looks in the bag, then starts emptying it out into the van. Wipe to a later scene. Red is digging the auger into the ground, running around it to keep up with the handles as they spin around. He gets thrown off the auger and runs into the van, then walks back to the auger.} RED GREEN: That hurt. All right, what you want to do, of course, is mount the auger there. This becomes your merry-go-round. See, you wanna– that's why I picked the hard ground. Just get 'er jammed up into a rock there. No, it's perfect, yeah, all right. Now all we gotta do is just add our door and our doggy bag. {walks back to the van} {Wipe again. Red has mounted the car door and the bag to one of the auger's handles.} RED GREEN: All right, we got our pooch pouch on there, we got the door on there, and I've got the counterweight, and she's all perfectly balanced. All we need is the dog. {starts waving to the dog offscreen} C'mon, Prince! C'mere boy, c'mon! {the dog starts whining and whimpering} Here boy, c'mon! Prince! Here! Prince! No! No! No! Here! {the dog runs away panicked} Come here, come! Here! Here! {sighs} Well, I guess Prince remembered where he lived. So now he's the dog formerly known as Prince. Oh, wait wait wait. I got an idea. {runs offscreen, then returns holding a garden gnome} Just use this unit here. This is just like a dog. Irish setter, huh? {chuckles, then sets the gnome in the gym bag} All right, good boy. Stay, stay! Sit! Sit! Play nice, play nice! Good boy, good boy, good boy, good boy. There'll be a treat for you later. {finishes situating the gnome} All right, now let's just start 'er up and give him a ride. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {Red starts the auger and runs away from it. It starts spinning quickly, launching the gnome at the van and shattering it.} Midlife RED GREEN: Wanna take a minute and talk to some of you middle-aged guys out there. You know, I read somewhere that people take longer to get out of their parking space if they know there's somebody there who wants the spot. Now if you're like me, and I know you are, then this is no big surprise, huh? We've all been there, haven't we? Coming out of your parking space, you look in your rear-view mirror, and there's some dork waiting for your spot. And you just get angry, just like that, for no reason, really, and you think, oh, I'm just gonna take my own sweet time on this. Maybe polish the horn, re-fold all the road maps the right way. Now the scientists say that this is actually a holdover from the evolutionary days of the old cave man, there, where they would protect their territory. Things have gotten so pitiful that our territory now comes down to two parallel lines on the asphalt out in front of the 7-Eleven. So it's an evolutionary problem, see? So that guy, the other driver, is just gonna have to wait for us to evolve a little, and boy, that could take a while! {laughs} Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Plot Segment 3 RED GREEN: Well, Harold's been at college a whole week and he didn't call me to come and get him. So I guess he's adjusting to having all those women around. Hey, I know he went for an education, but I bet he's getting more than he bargained for. {chuckles} {Harold walks into the Lodge wearing a tan sweater, green khakis, new shoes and a pair of sunglasses. The audience cheers wildly. He walks up to Red and swishes his hips.} RED GREEN: Oh... You know what you look like? Huh? You look like that guy from Saturday Night Favor. HAROLD GREEN: Fever. Saturday Night Fever? RED GREEN: With you, it'd be a favor, I'm thinking. How's it going with your new roommates? HAROLD GREEN: Oh, good, good, yeah. They said I'm not like any other guy they've ever met. They say they find me non-threatening. RED GREEN: Yeah. So it doesn't bother you, they sit around, wearing their pajamas, Harold? Or have their friends over, {quietly, making hair-brushing motions} or brush their hair in front of a mirror? HAROLD GREEN: Ha. Brush their hair, ha ha. {suddenly agitated} I can't even sleep! I'm going crazy! They got curves, Uncle Red! {nervously} They talk to me, with their voices! {laughs nervously, in a high-pitched voice} I can't get no work done! I don't got no work! I can't do that work, I can't! {normal voice} They walk around with their legs! waaaa! {quickly} Uncle Red, Uncle Red, Uncle Red, you know when they walk? You know when they walk? waaAA! Their legs move! RED GREEN: {trying to steady Harold} Okay, Harold, Harold, Harold. C'mon outside. The lake is really cold. HAROLD GREEN: Oh good! {Red walks Harold over to the door} New Member Night {Red, Arnie and another man are standing in the basement in front of a gathering of Lodge members. Arnie's arm is in a sling, and he has a splint on his middle finger.} RED GREEN: All right, men, as you know, it's New Member Night, and Arnie Dogan, the local roofer, has brought a fella in he'd like to propose. Looks like this guy's a few shingles short of a dormer to me. Take 'er away, Arnie. ARNIE DOGAN: Thanks, Red. Gentlemen, I'd like to present for your consideration a fellow who's been working with me in the roofing business. Looney. Well, actually, it's Hector Sanders, and we just call him Looney because he falls so fast. Now, Looney here, he's got a lot of good points. He's not afraid of anything and he's good with a hammer and a nail. You give him a hammer and a nail and a shingle and he gets into a bit more trouble. Now, I see some of you guys recognize him as the drummer in my band, "Arnie Dogan and the Chartreuse Riders, the Sagebrush Stormy Midnight Mountain Ramblin' Boys, Featuring Arnie Dogan." So, if Looney gets in, you see, we get a free drummer for all the Lodge weddings and funerals and what not. So, thanks for your consideration. RED GREEN: All those in favor? {nobody raises their hand} ARNIE DOGAN: Well, I should mention that if Looney doesn't get in, I'll be singing protest songs in front of the Lodge twenty-four hours a day. RED GREEN: All those in favor? EVERYONE: Aye! {the men all raise their hands} RED GREEN: {shakes Looney's hand} All right, Looney, you're in. Adventures With Bill Plot Segment 4 {Harold runs into the Lodge excitedly. His sweater is now pink.} HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, I am so in love! Oh, I am so in love! I met this girl, oh– RED GREEN: {looking at Harold's sweater} Oh man, it's Pee-Wee Herman, eh? HAROLD GREEN: {quickly} I met this girl and she's totally awesome, totally cool, I met her at the laundromat. RED GREEN: Oh yeah, is that where you were washing that outfit? HAROLD GREEN: Yeah yeah, it was. RED GREEN: And did you wash it with your long johns? HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I did, actually! She's so cool. Her name's Harriet. She's so cool. RED GREEN: Harriet? Oh, like Ozzie and Harriet! HAROLD GREEN: Ozzy Osbourne has a girlfriend named Harriet? Oh, oh! That's the name of the bat that he bit the head off of, right? That one? RED GREEN: Why did I think we could have a conversation, Harold? HAROLD GREEN: I dunno, but she's the best. RED GREEN: Oh really? How does she feel about your female roommates? Did you tell her? HAROLD GREEN: Well, it hasn't come up in conversation yet, so no. RED GREEN: But she won't mind, right, because these are modern times? HAROLD GREEN: Absolutely! Yeah, she won't mind! No! No, I'll tell her first thing next time I see her. Uncle Red, you just do not understand the modern liberated woman. She will be totally cool with this. RED GREEN: Oh yeah, she'll be way past cool and all the way to frosty, I'd say. {starts walking toward the door} If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying RED GREEN: This is the repair shop part of the show we call, "If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying". Today we got water taxi driver Hap Shaughnessy with us. What have you got for us today there, Hap? HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {holding a poster} Well, I got an old painting here, Red. {unfurls the poster, revealing a copy of the Mona Lisa. Pointing to a corner} Got a bit of a tear there. Now be careful, be careful, this is a family heirloom. RED GREEN: Oh yeah. This goes back a way, does it? HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, this lady has been in our family since, uh, the turn of the 16th Century. RED GREEN: {looking between Hap and the poster, skeptically} Uhh, don't really know what to say here, Hap. HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Just tell me you can fix the tear, Red. RED GREEN: Oh yeah, the tear, yeah, yeah. I can fix the ripoff– er, rip up. Yep. {turns the poster over, picks up a roll of duct tape} Put something on there that'll last another five centuries, eh? I'm thinking the Renaissance man's secret weapon, duct tape. {pulls off a strip of tape, then peeks under the poster} This painting, uh, looks a lot like the Mona Lisa by Leonardo da Vinci, huh? HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, I don't know the details. I just know she's been in our family since the Shaughnessys lived in Florence in 1510. RED GREEN: Oh yeah. Well, you know, I believe there's an imitation of this painting hanging in the Louvre in Paris. HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah. That's also an original. RED GREEN: Oh, there's two originals. I see, I see. So Leonardo did a couple of these, and this is the better one because he did it on the glossy poster paper. Or maybe he invented the color photocopier and just didn't tell anybody. HAP SHAUGHNESSY: No! No, this is a poster I got in the frame shop in Port Asbestos. RED GREEN: So this painting hasn't been in your family for five centuries? HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, no no no no. I said the lady has. This lady married my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great– {takes a breath} great-great-great– RED GREEN: Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah! I got it, Hap. {turns the poster right-side-up again} By golly, eh? Who would have thought Mona Lisa's last name was Shaughnessy? HAP SHAUGHNESSY: You don't believe me? Have a look! Look at the family resemblance! {holds up the poster to his chest} RED GREEN: Boy, I don't know how she keeps a straight face. Plot Segment 5 {Harold walks into the Lodge dressed normally and looking angry.} RED GREEN: Oh boy. He's back to normal. What went wrong, Harold? HAROLD GREEN: I broke up with Harriet, she's not my type. RED GREEN: Wow! You have a type, like a font or something you have? HAROLD GREEN: She said, "Oh, I don't care if you live with three girls. Why should I? I live with four guys." Four guys! RED GREEN: Well, Harold, it's modern times. HAROLD GREEN: {angrily} Well time's up! I don't– yeah, four guys! RED GREEN: Y'know Harold, you're starting to sound like a man to me! I think you could be like a Possum Lodge member here! HAROLD GREEN: {suddenly alarmed} Oh no! Oh, I gotta phone Harriet! I gotta apologize, I was being totally unreasonable! {picks up a nearby phone and starts dialing} RED GREEN: Oh no no, Harold, don't call her, don't call her, don't call her. HAROLD GREEN: No, I trust her, Uncle Red, and I think that her and I can make up, y'know, we can fix this whole thing, and everything would just be fine. RED GREEN: No, I just mean it's long distance. HAROLD GREEN: {glares at Red} Yeah, I– {on the phone} Oh hello, Harriet, Harold, hi. Don't hang up! 'Kay? Y'know what? I just want to apologize for the things I said. ... wa ha! Really? {laughs goofily} Wha? No, that was the, that was the, uh, cry of the Possum. Yeah, that means it's meeting time. So yeah, I gotta go. Gotta go, but I'll see you at school, 'kay? 'Kay. waaAA you too. Bye. {hangs up the phone} {The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.} HAROLD GREEN: Oh, it really is meeting time! RED GREEN: Yeah, you know, I mean, Harold, you know what? HAROLD GREEN: What? RED GREEN: I think you did the right thing with Harriet. HAROLD GREEN: Really? RED GREEN: Yeah. HAROLD GREEN: Oh no. {starts for the stairs, looking agitated} RED GREEN: Oh come on now, Harold. Come on! HAROLD GREEN: I was so close! RED GREEN: {to the camera} If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I think we should appreciate that we grew up in simpler times, before there was free love and political correctness. And you didn't have to treat anybody fairly until you were forced to through marriage. {to the audience} And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, you keep your stick on the ice. {waves and heads to the stairs} {Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Red walks over to Harold as the men take their seats.} HAROLD GREEN: C'mon everybody, please take your seats. He likes it when everybody's sitting down. {laughs, says something unintelligible} {Red stands next to Harold} HAROLD GREEN: All rise. {Everyone stands up and crosses their arms over their chests.} EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati. RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone except Harold sits} HAROLD GREEN: Okay, all right, now, you all know that I have a new girlfriend, she phones me all the time with important matters and issues and stuff. So don't be clogging up my voicemail with your insults and stupid ideas and advices and stuff. And Buster Hadfield, you quit phoning, too! The worst Bea Arthur impression I've ever heard.